i was talking to one of my friends on myspace earlier today. we were talking about girls and relatonships and the subject went into how i've never had a GF. i know i've gotten alot of advice from some of my friends, my sisters (i have 4) and here (of course.) then he gave me this peace of advice:
"Listen bro I am about to give you some advice. It may be creepy to some but it is some real shit. You need to step back two grades and start there. Second and this is going to sound like predation: go for the girls who are shorter than you by about 3-4 inches or taller than you by the same amount. Smile and then pay very close attention to what they say and then say some thing similiar back to them. Fucked up right? If she says "organic foods are more healthy than non organics" then you should say something like "You know when I select foods I try to get the most natural , organic products". This will not get you your dream girl but it will get you a girl."
now, looking at this, i wasn't really sure what to think. do you guys think this is valid advice or not?
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Well its basic advice...the part where he uses the food example he is saying find something that she likes and get on her level with her...as in whatever she likes you like..dont make it obvious though...like if she said I really like pink cars then you know...ummm not sure what the height difference has to do with getting a girl except for the fact that most girls like tall guys..not so tall as they have to crane their neck and cause them discomfort but for the most part dont want to be taller than the guy.My girl in particular will never buy high heels that make her taller than me...I have about an inch on her so buying a pair of high heels makes her about even or a little bit taller than me...I dont have anything wrong with it but she does.Overall the advice he gave you was good..basic...which is what you need to focus on...basic skills...and most importantly dont try and pretend to be something your not.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, the age thing kinda worries me tho, because i'm 18 going on 19 and it's saying i should go after girls who are 15-16ish. i don't wanna go all pedophilie and shit in order to get a girl.
Posted by Fate111 (Member # 2627) on :
The advice that your friend was trying to give you does work,... to a certain degree. Basically, the technique he is illustrating (or trying to illustrate) is something called "backtracking". Backtracking is one of the ways of building rapport with someone in a short period of time and is used quite a bit in techniques involving persuasion. What the technnique involves is saying what a person says right back to them in a subtle effort to get on the same "wavelength" as them. However, according to what I've heard and read about the subject, it works most effectively if you say the same exact words back to that person. The main reason for this, it is said, is because different words have different meanings to different people or, more accurately, different meanings are inferred from the words being said. For example, if I said, "Gee, it's a really nice day today", you can infer ceratin things from that statement. Some of these things may be that it's sunny, warm, bright, cheerful, etc.. However, what may be warm to me might be cool or hot to someone else. So, if I said, "Gee, it's a really nice day today" and you replied, "Yeah, it's really nice and warm", that is not backtracking. Although you said it's a really nice day, you also said that it's warm, which may not be the reason I think it's a nice day. To me, I may think the temparature is just right and not "warm". I know this is getting really picky and we're going into semantics here. However, the technique of backtracking is most effective when saying the exact same words back to that person. So, going back to the example of my statement, "Gee, it's a really nice day today", backtracking your response would be you saying, "Yeah, it's a really nice day today". By backtracking and using the exact same words, you're, subconsciously, getting on the same "wavelength" as the person you're talking to and saying, "Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. I'm listening attentively to you and know exactly what you mean." So, going back to what your friend said, his response to what she said about organic foods really wouldn't be as effective in "getting a girl" so to speak. If she says, "Organic foods are more healthy than non organics", what your friend suggested for the reply, "You know when I select foods I try to get the most natural, organic products", would not work nearly as well as saying, "Yeah, organic foods are more healthy than non organics". In his response, he's bringing in an entire different issue of selecting foods and that he tries to select "natural foods". To the girl you're saying this to, "natural" and "organic" may have two entirely different meanings! Even though the words are similar in meaning, what they infer to her may be completely different than what they infer to you. This technique of backtracking alone won't get you to start scoring with chicks or anything. However, it's a subtle communication technique that you can include in your verbal rap with women. However, I would not go overboard using this technique and agree with everything a woman says because then she may see you as a weak wussy because you have no ideas and mind of your own.
The whole deal with finding women who are a few inches shorter than you I guess would do with more of a "status" issue. If a woman is shorter than you, she is put in a position of having to "look up" to you and you "looking down" at her. If someone is "looking up" to someone else and that person who is being looked up to is "looking down" on that person, then, on a subconscious level, the person being looked up to and having to look down at the other person would have an advantage and more power and looked at to be of higher status. As a result, the person doing the "looking up" would constantly be trying to get on the same level as you in the status hierarchy. When I use the term "status", it doesn't mean that you are really any better than anyone else. It's just an indicater of the social situation which, believe it or not, does take place on a non-verbal and subconscious level. You can give the air of being higher status by simple, basic things like body language. A person is going to look better, more confident, etc. if they present themselves with a better posture/body language - i.e. standing up straight versus standing a little hunched over, looking directly at a person and holding eye contact longer instead of avoiding or breaking eye contact and looking towards the floor, etc.. It has been proven that women in general are very accutely in tune with the body language of other people, including us guys, and that only about 7 percent of what women pick up involves the actual words being said in a given conversation. The other 93 percent involves body language and the way the person is presenting themselves, voice tone, facial expressions, etc.. Even if a woman is the same height, or even taller, than you, you can still give off the air of higher status if you're very good with your body language and the way you carry yourself and communicate as a whole.
[ November 12, 2006, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: Fate111 ]
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
thanks for confusing the hell out of me with your explaination.
Posted by ozkar (Member # 13264) on :
Bad advice. You don't want to hypnotize a girl into liking you, you want them to like you for who you are. To hell with mind games. Never put on an act, if you actually fall for the girl you'll have to maintain the act for the rest of your life, and believe me, you won't be able to.
Tall girls, short girls, same height girls, that's just dumb.
Be yourself and be honest, but at the same time don't take any shit from anybody.
You don't have any huge problems, all you've got to try to do is move a little slower when opening up to people. You can do that, no big deal.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, what if i can't???
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Its pretty easy to not open up completely with people you just met! Only tell people you can trust...and the people that you think are mature enough to handle hearing about it.
Posted by ozkar (Member # 13264) on :
What if you can't doesn't matter.
This may be hard to believe but you can, just like millions of young guys before you and millions of young guys will after you.
Right now you are a normal young guy with normal young guy problems. You are trying to become a normal man who will undoubtedly have normal man problems like the rest of us. That's life.
You tried to make this transition a couple of ways already and it didn't work out for you. You were doing the same kinds of things all young guys do, have done, and will do in the future, myself included. These things weren't bad, trying them doesn't mean you are weird, these things just don't work.
I can promise you that if you just open up to people a little slower, at a pace that they're comfortable with, and are just honest (by honest I mean not trying the kinds of scripted tricks suggested in this thread) you will have success. Love, friends, everything.
If you couldn't open up to people, that would be a bigger (but solveable) problem, but can do that. You just happen to be really comfortable doing it really fast. Most people can't take it in that quickly, and when people are uncomfortable they tend to remove the sources of discomfort from their lives by ignoring it, banding together to persecute it, putting barriers up, etc.
Just work with people, be sensitive to their comfort levels during the process of forming relationships. They won't be able to speed up, but you can slow down.
Posted by IAmSpartachris (Member # 3289) on :
Here's a crazy idea: Try being yourself. Never be anything other than yourself, and people will base thier opinions of you on fact instead of some ridiculous show you are putting on. When talking to members of the opposite sex, be sincere, and honest, and never treat them like a conquest, or a prize you are trying to win. If you can do those few very easy things, then you'll be surprised just how many members of the opposite sex are drawn to you.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, um, it doesn't seem to work, SPARTACHRIS!!!!(I like that name) i have alot of respect for women and all, and i would never treat them as objects or anything. but it seems like the guys who do treat them as so are much more successful then me. and it sucks. plus, never having a girlfriend can make you very desperate.
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
start jerking off or something...it will loosen you up and therefore you wont be so tense and nervous around girls!(i.e. There is something about Mary a la Ben Stiller)
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
pssh, i do that enough as it is.
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
cant ever have enough of it eh?
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, the way you put it, it seemed like it would help a little in not being nervous with girls. all i was saying is that it doesn't really do much for me because i do it about 3-4 times a day and i'm still nervous as fuck around girls.
Posted by ozkar (Member # 13264) on :
They're just people, they've got issues just like anyone else (except they are often more complicated). Many of them are assholes and/or stupid just like everyone else too. Everyone's in the same boat as everyone else so no reason to feel nervous around girls. If some girl thinks you are weird, so what? What do they know? No more than you do. They can go to hell. Who made them judge and jury for you? Everyone judges everyone but the only people who you need to care about are your closest friends, and if you're still looking for them, then you don't answer to anyone.
Take care of yourself, run around, play football or frisbee or guitar or whatever and be cool. There's a ton of stuff to do in college, don't miss out on it because you're waiting on some girls. Invite your girl friends to hang out, and if they don't then don't feel bad, they're probably doing dumb shit to try to figure out their issues just like you would be if you didn't know any better.
As far as sex and all that, yeah, it's pretty great, but unless you're half a fucking monkey it's not all that good unless you're in love with the person, so believe me it's not the end all or be all of a relationship.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, i know it's not the end all, be all.and i could care less about the sex part. just someone who likes me enough to want to get to know me is all i want. yet, i've never gotten it.
Posted by ozkar (Member # 13264) on :
Relationships, just friends or otherwise, are not luck of the draw, they are not wishes that are granted to you. You don't 'get' them, you build them.
People learn to really like you over time, they just don't automatically like you though if they are polite they'll at least be civil to you. If they actually like you only then can you start opening up to them and then will your relationship starts to build. But caution... being nice to you and liking you are two different things entirely.
If people are just being nice to you and you start opening up to fast they'll get freaked out and run off before they get a chance to figure out if they actually like you. Then you are hosed.
You are a freshman in college, all the opportunities are there, you just have to learn how to take them without screwing them up. Get involved in things, talk to people in your classes. Let them all stay at arms length until they feel ok stepping in closer to you. It'll work if you give people enough space to be comfortable and don't try to jump into best-friends-and-confidant right away.
It probably seems unlikely now, but if you actually take this advice you'll soon be asking about how to get more time to yourself instead of less. You can have great fun when you get a break from people if you can manage the time. (So don't stress out)
Posted by IAmSpartachris (Member # 3289) on :
Honestly, just stop trying so hard. It sounds cliche, but when the time is right, it'll happen. In the meantime, just keep being yourself, and if being yourself means getting nervous around girls, then so be it. Believe it or not, eventually one of them will find that charming.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, it's not really being nervous as i sorta give off a creepy vibe. i'm not too good at giving off body language, but i can catch others perfectly. and i always seem to give off that vibe.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
quote:Originally posted by blackHxC88: well, it's not really being nervous as i sorta give off a creepy vibe. i'm not too good at giving off body language, but i can catch others perfectly. and i always seem to give off that vibe.
i'm not going to give advice this time.. just a comment.
the ability to realize one's faults and strength is a rare and remarkable skill that has propelled many to greatness.
by being able to identify what works and doens't... one doesn't repeat mistakes over and over.. and one can learn and grow to be a much stronger and better version of themselves.
those who can't.. there isn't much hope. in time, you'll be able to charm the pants off any woman and get their toes.. why.. you can see what needs work and you're willing to work and improve.
kudos to you.
RPM
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, thanks. i guess Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
you're welcome... i was giving u a compliment!!
RPM
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
i know, but it takes a while for me to understand compliments. i don't get them often.
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
stop overanalyzing every little thing that a girl says to you or doesnt say to you. Basically,just shut the brain off for a little bit and relax...take in what she is saying,listen to her,then tell her what she wants to hear.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
quote:Originally posted by blackHxC88: i know, but it takes a while for me to understand compliments. i don't get them often.
ok.. start giving yourself compliments. they say 'birds of a feather flock together' and 'like attracts like' (in chemistry anyway). another version is 'misery likes company'. the reverse is true.
give your self compliments and go easy on yourself... it can very well attract more compliments!
you're a great guy... women will find that out soon enough
RPM
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
ok, i'll give it a try.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: stop overanalyzing every little thing that a girl says to you or doesnt say to you. Basically,just shut the brain off for a little bit and relax...take in what she is saying,listen to her,then tell her what she wants to hear.
lol, IMPOSSIBLE!!! overanalyzing is the only thing i'm kinda good at doing. not beause i like doing it, just because i can't avoid doing it.
Posted by DennisIsEvil (Member # 11755) on :
I know it sounds stupid but really the only way to get over your shyness around girls is to talk to more girls. I too used to be scared to but one day I figured out that they're just as nervous as guys are. As for the whole pretending to like the same things she does, that crock of shit will only get you in trouble. Most girls can smell a front a mile away and if they can't they'll find out sooner or later.
Another thing I discovered was develope a lot of interests and try new experiences. You're gonna suck at a few of them, but who cares at least it gives you something to talk about to keep the conversation rolling or get one started.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
quote:Originally posted by blackHxC88: lol, IMPOSSIBLE!!! overanalyzing is the only thing i'm kinda good at doing. not beause i like doing it, just because i can't avoid doing it.
you're like me. now use that skill in a way to build up esteem. over-analyze in a postive way to get what you want.. not justify why you can't or shouldn't or something like it.
by trying new things and being true to yourself.. things work out better. yes. women can pick up a front a mile away.. but when you're true.. those who are cool with you like of feet will run into you.
one more thing.. you strike me as on the young side of 20. don't need to confirm it. most gals at that age aren't sure how to feel about anything really. so.. society says feet is weird and sick.. to be cool.. they'll break on you big time to make them feel more cool and also help them cope with their feelings about it. (not all young gals are like that)
but.. later in life.. women are more sure of themselves.. and so are you. such a topic goes over much nicer. i've got gal friens ranging from 21 to 41 and i've got gal pals from 21 to 51. trust me.. the older they are.. the easier the topic of feet comes.. and the clearer they are on how the feel about it.
some friends are cool with me talking about it. others are cool with me touching/massaging.. others flat out say.. i don't like the topic.. let's not talk about it again (politely of course). but the young ones.. fumble a lot.. the older ones.. clear as day!
lastly.. the lest shy you are.. the more natural you are about the topic.. the better it's received. how do I get that done (did anywy..) wrap the topic around something you're comfy with.
i'm comfy with photography (and pretty good in my opinion). i used that to get to feet many times. the gal warmed up to the idea of taking pics.. but i never hid that i wanted feet pics. but didn't bring it up first thing either. in time.. i 'felt' who was cool and who wasn't. (here is where your analitical side comes in). and with those who are cool.. i forged ahead politely. my thing is massages.. so.. that is where i forged ahead over time.
got many massages in that way. now.. i've got my own lady.. so i don't forge ahead like that anymore.
hope this helps.. the last poster had it right.. try new things to have more to talk about. the more the gal is comfy with you because you're cool..the more she'll let you konw how she feels about her feet and then you'll be able to forge ahead. just remember. while forging ahead.. don't analyze to paralyze and kill your chances.. only analyze for a green light. once you get it.. stop thinking and start acting!
RPM
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, i'm not really natural about most htings i say or talk about. i don't know why, i'm just not.
Posted by ozkar (Member # 13264) on :
You don't need to know why you are a certain way before you make an effort to change for the better. You know that you don't like it, and that should be good enough. You can either try to do it, resulting in success, or you can continue to come up with excuses for yourself and never try.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
quote:Originally posted by RPM:
quote:Originally posted by blackHxC88: lol, IMPOSSIBLE!!! overanalyzing is the only thing i'm kinda good at doing. not beause i like doing it, just because i can't avoid doing it.
you're like me. now use that skill in a way to build up esteem. over-analyze in a postive way to get what you want.. not justify why you can't or shouldn't or something like it.
by trying new things and being true to yourself.. things work out better. yes. women can pick up a front a mile away.. but when you're true.. those who are cool with you like of feet will run into you.
one more thing.. you strike me as on the young side of 20. don't need to confirm it. most gals at that age aren't sure how to feel about anything really. so.. society says feet is weird and sick.. to be cool.. they'll break on you big time to make them feel more cool and also help them cope with their feelings about it. (not all young gals are like that)
but.. later in life.. women are more sure of themselves.. and so are you. such a topic goes over much nicer. i've got gal friens ranging from 21 to 41 and i've got gal pals from 21 to 51. trust me.. the older they are.. the easier the topic of feet comes.. and the clearer they are on how the feel about it.
some friends are cool with me talking about it. others are cool with me touching/massaging.. others flat out say.. i don't like the topic.. let's not talk about it again (politely of course). but the young ones.. fumble a lot.. the older ones.. clear as day!
lastly.. the lest shy you are.. the more natural you are about the topic.. the better it's received. how do I get that done (did anywy..) wrap the topic around something you're comfy with.
i'm comfy with photography (and pretty good in my opinion). i used that to get to feet many times. the gal warmed up to the idea of taking pics.. but i never hid that i wanted feet pics. but didn't bring it up first thing either. in time.. i 'felt' who was cool and who wasn't. (here is where your analitical side comes in). and with those who are cool.. i forged ahead politely. my thing is massages.. so.. that is where i forged ahead over time.
got many massages in that way. now.. i've got my own lady.. so i don't forge ahead like that anymore.
hope this helps.. the last poster had it right.. try new things to have more to talk about. the more the gal is comfy with you because you're cool..the more she'll let you konw how she feels about her feet and then you'll be able to forge ahead. just remember. while forging ahead.. don't analyze to paralyze and kill your chances.. only analyze for a green light. once you get it.. stop thinking and start acting!
RPM
well, it's not that i'm shy about it. i'm sure of my fetish and love it for that fact. it's just that i'm not good around people most of the time. apparently, i'm either too boring or too strong around people. i can never find a medium about it. i never had friends in high school so for me, i've gotten kinda desperate for friends in college.
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)